ready, set, go!

I can't believe how incredibly conceited and wrong I've been. I've always thought that I was someone who had it all down. I've always had a plan. I've always been in control. I've always pulled things off with an assuredness. I've always painted this picture of certainty and clarity.

And I thought I was empathetic enough to tell people how to live their lives. And somehow people played along thinking that I was wise or mature or something. I've always thought that I've known.

I've always lived my way with a certain distance from the people around me coz I thought I knew myself enough and knew how to play the game of life enough that I could do it without anyone else. But that's what I was doing...play-acting.

I guess when things always go your way and fall perfectly into the schemes and the plans you thought up, it makes you think that you are wise, that you're perfectly in control. And until something happens that's not according to your perfect 5 year plan that you realise that maybe, "I've just been very lucky in life."...and protected and just really spot on lucky.

I'm glad to finally be confronted with this life lesson. I'm glad to be going thru the class of 'reality'. I'm glad that I've been disappointed and denied something that I want. And I know it sounds really like what the?? she's only learning this now?? But yeah... i'm only learning this now and I really don't care what anyone thinks coz I'm finally actually very sure about something - I simply don't know anything. I'm really not wise and I'm really not at that level of maturity yet. I'm just fumbling along trying to find my way and it's really ok. It really is...

And the funny thing is that I'm really excited about finally coming to a profound new realisation. I'm excited about discovering new things about myself and going on a quest for something... and I don't really know what that something is but what I wanna get from this journey is to just live the fullness of this life I've been given.

And I'm so grateful for this disappointment coz I've finally realise how incredibly awesome my friends are. And I love them to bits. And the truth is no woman is an island. I'm relieved that I'm not alone in this and that I finally got the guts to reach out to them. And now that I've started I don't think I'll ever stop.

I'm really glad and relieved to say that I really don't know... I haven't figured it out yet and I am so glad I haven't coz if I have already, what in the world am I still doing here? 'Uncora Imparo' right? I guess Monash knows a thing or two about life after all... I think I'm using 'glad' a lot...

I'm glad to finally 'be' and not just 'do'. I'm glad...

I know what I'm feeling is just a tear compared to the sea of difficulty that some people face but it's still something big for me. And the truth is, I probably won't know how they feel unless I've been in their position so I'm not gonna feel bad about feeling the way I feel. I'm rambling...

I'm really ok... This is a good thing :)

"Don't sit around envying other people's worlds. Go out and change your own..."

sad little robot girl

"south east asian ovalocytosis, juxtaglomerular apparatus, nephrons, disseminated intravascular coagulation, schistocytes, melagatran, argatroban, LMWH, UFH, GFR, RPF........"

I wonder how my life would be if I hadn't decided to do what I'm doing now. If I wasn't robbed of all my time. Well, not robbed exactly. I mean I chose this. SO, it's more like if my time wasn't traded off like that. Maybe I'm not managing my time right or something but all I seem to have time for nowadays is words and books and pieces of paper and journals and encyclopedias and more words and little medical animations that some people dare call "cartoons". Those things aren't cartoons when it's just words put in with arrows!!!

I wanna have time to play the piano more. Maybe pick up another hobby like dancing or kickboxing. Or go watch more plays and hang out in parks and cities. And go travelling around Malaysia and the rest of the world. I wanna have time for me... Sigh

Do some charity. Get a pet. Spend time with family. Stop isolating myself from friends. Not that I can help it. I'm too tired to be any fun when I get home.
I mean, it's not all that bad. I like the whole aspect of dealing with patients and cracking my brain thinking up a diagnosis. Challenging myself on so many levels. That is if I even manage to get to that level without screwing someone's life up.

Well, life isn't a bed of roses right.

Every post should end on a high note...

Can't think of one right now... :(

thr3E

three... three... three...

just roles off the tongue doesn't it?
it's like the perfect number... ok not perfect la but it's a pretty darn nice number if you ask me.
i mean there's like the holy trinity, there are 3 notes in a chord, being the third born is like the best, Easter is 3 days after Good Friday, 3 blind mice, 3 little pigs ... and the list just goes on and on...
I mean come on you have to admit the track record on the number three is pretty good.

And that's why I decidedly quit my job as a hardworking employee of the Padini group after three hard, long days at work... yeah ha... Decidedly. I mean I had to give the number three it's rightful glory. Had I quit after a whole month, it would simply be doing the number three injustice. INJUSTICE I say...

And that's the story I'm sticking with. It was a willful and intentional act on my behalf to pay homage to the humble number THREE.

And to add a little spice to my long overdue post, here...pictures.

koala suffocating a koala suffocating a tree

one of the many wonders of nature... i mean the rock

haha... i love this sign. Manglish should be an official language

maybe it's time to stop and ask for directions

I'm bored... can you tell? why else would I be investing my precious time (which should be spent on studying btw, seeing as how my end-of-sem exam is in about 45 hours time and I've still got tonnes to study!!!). But I figure it would be nice to give everyone a little shock to their systems every once in awhile. Though I'm pretty sure no one bothers checking out my blog anymore. It has been more than an entire year since my last post.
Anyways, for one of those self-life achievements, I shall continue blogging and be proud that I've stuck it through!

Updates... life's taking a surprising U-turn... Funny how sometimes you think you'd never be in the same situation twice but you end up putting yourself in that very situation three times or more even. Not saying that the situation is bad... it's just too uncertain to be comfortable. So much so that you start questioning everything about yourself. Start questioning the ideas and idealisms you've already set up for yourself because when you set them up you weren't actually thinking but just going with the flow, in the first place. And now that this situation has been pushing your buttons to question "Why?" or "Really?... " you start getting uncomfortable coz who wants to be pushed out of the proverbial 'comfort zone' like that. In any case, I'm embracing the challenge of rediscovering myself.

Though some may question, "Why think so much?" or mock you for wanting to take the time to think about stuff that is seemingly meaningless and a waste of brain cells to them, I say I'd rather live my life knowing I tried to figure out the little things than to let them pass me by and allowing myself to just go with the flow.

Maybe U-turn's aren't that bad, even if you may be U-turning to the wrong direction. Coz maybe there was something to be seen or experienced that you would've missed had you not taken the U-turn. And even if there was nothing there at least you would've learned not to make the same mistake again. Right? Whatever it is, I guess though we'd like to think we're in the driver's seat, we're just passengers. BUT I'd like to think I'm one of those back-seat driver people.

i feel obliged to begin this post with an apology... to anyone out there awaiting a part II, i regret to inform you that you have been deceitful misled. the painful truth is there is no part II. it was simply an excuse to stop blogging for the night. well, some time after, some part of me intended to write part II but after months and months of procrastination, it simply seems irrelevant now. I'M SORRY!!! it was late.. and i was sleepy.... i know u feel betrayed but it's ok to trust again. it really is...

2008: to new beginnings and a continuation of life's journey

changes (part 1)

I think i'm blog-illiterate...

It's been about 7 months since my last post... haha... sometimes i even amaze myself...

But i guess my lack of innitative could only keep me from blogging for so long. Due to the constant nagging from certain parties (i'm not pointing fingers but adeline oh ai choo!!! ) I have decided to make one more post till i go dormant again for who knows how long.

SO, since the 22nd of August 2006 i.e. my last post, things have been happening in my life...

1. Julian Saw Chern-Yann has left for Australia

Yup... He's not longer here... for a year at least... My goofy, sweet, funny, skinny, tall, caring, car-loving, tissue-wasting, mcdonalds-loving, 'loves-to-kacau-me-when-we're-watching-tv', goofy bro is gone for a whole year. I'm officially an only child (for one year at least). Everything's so quiet now. No one to mess up the computer table, no one to hog the tv remote, no one to eat all the snacks (KO, seriously no one in this house eats snacks anymore since u guys left... The food is piling up.. It's starting to get scary, man), no one to come kacau me in my room when i'm doing homework, no one to poke fun at mummy n daddy with, no one to TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR!!!, no one to irritate me when i get all emo, no one to laugh at when he does goofy things, no one to make fun of ppl on the tv with, no one to teach me the names of every single car we see on the highway, no one to be my own personal chauffeur, no one to steal my things... oh the list goes on and on.

I guess what i'm trying to say is i miss you tonnes. I really can't wait till you get back

2. I've grown/changed/evolved

I guess this 1st quarter of the year kinda passed me by in the blink of an eye. Feeling disorientated. Feeling uncertain. Feeling oblivious. Feeling numb.

Yet, i'm discovering so many new things. New experiences. In a way i suppose i'm evolving. Hopefully in a good way but i can't say for sure yet. I suppose God's doing a little pruning in my life... So, until i get there i'll just have to rely on Him to tell me how to get there...

random shoutout: I wanna go to PIZZA UNO !!! Someone take me there!

(to be continued...)