ready, set, go!

I can't believe how incredibly conceited and wrong I've been. I've always thought that I was someone who had it all down. I've always had a plan. I've always been in control. I've always pulled things off with an assuredness. I've always painted this picture of certainty and clarity.

And I thought I was empathetic enough to tell people how to live their lives. And somehow people played along thinking that I was wise or mature or something. I've always thought that I've known.

I've always lived my way with a certain distance from the people around me coz I thought I knew myself enough and knew how to play the game of life enough that I could do it without anyone else. But that's what I was doing...play-acting.

I guess when things always go your way and fall perfectly into the schemes and the plans you thought up, it makes you think that you are wise, that you're perfectly in control. And until something happens that's not according to your perfect 5 year plan that you realise that maybe, "I've just been very lucky in life."...and protected and just really spot on lucky.

I'm glad to finally be confronted with this life lesson. I'm glad to be going thru the class of 'reality'. I'm glad that I've been disappointed and denied something that I want. And I know it sounds really like what the?? she's only learning this now?? But yeah... i'm only learning this now and I really don't care what anyone thinks coz I'm finally actually very sure about something - I simply don't know anything. I'm really not wise and I'm really not at that level of maturity yet. I'm just fumbling along trying to find my way and it's really ok. It really is...

And the funny thing is that I'm really excited about finally coming to a profound new realisation. I'm excited about discovering new things about myself and going on a quest for something... and I don't really know what that something is but what I wanna get from this journey is to just live the fullness of this life I've been given.

And I'm so grateful for this disappointment coz I've finally realise how incredibly awesome my friends are. And I love them to bits. And the truth is no woman is an island. I'm relieved that I'm not alone in this and that I finally got the guts to reach out to them. And now that I've started I don't think I'll ever stop.

I'm really glad and relieved to say that I really don't know... I haven't figured it out yet and I am so glad I haven't coz if I have already, what in the world am I still doing here? 'Uncora Imparo' right? I guess Monash knows a thing or two about life after all... I think I'm using 'glad' a lot...

I'm glad to finally 'be' and not just 'do'. I'm glad...

I know what I'm feeling is just a tear compared to the sea of difficulty that some people face but it's still something big for me. And the truth is, I probably won't know how they feel unless I've been in their position so I'm not gonna feel bad about feeling the way I feel. I'm rambling...

I'm really ok... This is a good thing :)